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Real Men…Real Pizza…

Posted by on 17.03.2017 in Uncategorized

The most confident men IN THE WORLD are the guys who work behind the counter at pizza parlors. Real pizza joints. They make AMAZING pizza but truly couldn’t give a shit if you bought any. You have to read their Yelp reviews in reverse. Vinny’s got one star for horrible customer service! Oh! Honey, put on your thick skin and let’s get a slice. The bigger the assholes they are, the better the pizza. And it works both ways. Ever talk to a guy working at Dominoes? Delightful. So very nice. Shit pizza. Real pizza joints always have guys yelling at each other back there, especially the one fat guy who looks like he’s made out of the dough. Ball busters. Great pizza.

I QUIT DRINKING IN JANUARY

Posted by on 06.02.2017 in Uncategorized

I quit drinking in January. Yeah, just for the month. I’m not an idiot. People have been so impressed. That’s when I realized it’s like having a really dumb super power. 

I’m trying to jump start my “getting into shape” era. Not really. I’m trying to get out of my current shape. I’m turning over a new leaf with dumb expressions like that one. Truth is, I really wanted to lie to myself that I’m in control.

Three weeks in I noticed some big changes. I would wake up in the morning with full knowledge of where I was. I was no longer a detective trying to figure out where my car was by reverse engineering an Uber ride, just hoping I didn’t drive to an apartment I lived in three years ago. Now in the morning when I wake up, both eyes open at the same speed. I’m surrounded by pillows and blankets and no food.

Yeah, it’s very boring out here.

I believe Fruity Pebbles are a gateway drug. That first bowl will change your life. You will chase that high forever. Captain Crunch is the pusher. Heroine is derived from the poppy plant and Fruity Pebbles dirty milk. That’s a fact. I think Tarantino is doing a movie about it. Growing up, I would hide it when my friends stayed overnight like an alcoholic hiding Vodka in the garage. Heroine has Crack. Fruity Pebbles has Cocoa Pebbles. I’m an addict. Mornings are the worst. 

 

On Knife Control…

Posted by on 05.01.2017 in Uncategorized

With gun control I’m on the fence with my hands up.  A concealed carry permit allows you to carry a gun with you all the time.  No problem but in a strange twist the switchblade is illegal.  The switchblade.  That’s not even the most intimidating knife.  It’s not even a knife by Crocodile Dundee’s standards.  How scary is a knife with a button on it?  It’s been hard to take it seriously since the video for Beat It.